Stupid RPG

Same.

I want this screenshot hanging in a gallery somewhere.

Things just kind of immediately de-escalate with the crew having abandoned their quest for the crystals as the status quo returns.

I ain't a sports guy, but at the time of this game's release, the Colts hadn't won a Superbowl since 1971 and the drought went on until 2007.

While the rest of the amigos sleep, Lance finally wakes up! Whether inspired by the Superbowl results or not, he heads out to the bar.

I'm still unsure what the rules on these crystals are. You need all four to control everyone, until it turns out you only need one, until it turns out that they can only be used all at once? So I guess we're back to all four being necessary again.

I do like "Just do."

It's up to Jed and F*gnuts to find Lance and Nitwit. Except they're locked inside the hideout and have to take the other exit. The good news is this means not walking through through brown caves or whatever full of generic enemies. The bad news is that means a different dungeon full of generic enemies.

In order to actually leave, four passwords need to be provided which helpfully have hints around the room. Hope you were paying attention!

It's easy to have no idea where the alternate exit places you, since the explanation that the government building is connected to the hideout is a pretty forgettable detail, but here Jed is in the basement. The tiled background is kind of nice, and makes for probably one of the nicer looking dungeons honestly.

Knightt introduces something to add a little variety to the game's combat, with a POSTAL ability to do a ton of damage but probably miss. "Kick your ass from here to Junon" was just a thing Tseng said sometimes. I don't think it's an actual line from Final Fantasy 7 because if somebody actually said it, it would be one of those things people beg to have kept in that remake.

With the new POSTAL ability, it's just as easy as ever to try and avoid everyone. The door on the left, is locked as you'd expect, requiring a key from the other path to open.

Said other path takes the player to a large room with a few computer workstations and two government employees. The first of whom warns the player not to touch his computer or die.

The woman named Scarlet (who I have no idea if she's meant to be the same Scarlet from FF7) is happy to throw him under the bus at least. It's time to break a computer in the 90s.

I'm trying to think how long it's been since I've had to restart or shut down a computer via control+alt+delete. I almost forgot how common that used to be. After shutting it down, Scarlet keeps her word and gives out the key. Her coworker doesn't seem to notice anything amiss.

On the way back I managed to get caught by a statue enemy and try out the new postal ability. An ability which also replaced stabbing, meaning there are still only two options in a fight.

Basic attacks don't do a lot of damage and it takes very little time to select the postal option since you can just hit page down to jump to the bottom, so it's my new strategy.

This is such a weirdly amateurish board? Stupid RPG is hardly an example of brilliance in design, but this seems a bit out of place even for this game.

This was the point where I decided to call it a day when I was first playing the game. Narrow hallways mean fights that can't be avoided. It's still just more of the same statue enemies from the earlier.

A sign on the previous board guides the player, telling them there's a cafe here, and the top floor of the building to the north, which is once again behind a locked door.

Stopping the porn download was easy enough, but here Knightt just places the keycard needed on the ground to be picked up.

The cafe is the last chance the player has to stock up on health and MP, but this is itself a cruel trick as the only combat left is one of the RPG battles with a health bar, so purchasing Pizza or Coke is a complete waste of money.

The current customers include Beavis and Butthead for some reason.

There's one list stair climb, this time without any Knightt graffiti on the board.

The final floor has what's supposed to be a water fountain in the middle, but there's no animation at all so it doesn't really do a very convincing job. The soda machine isn't usable since it only has V8, tomato juice, and Mountain Dew, three drinks Jed abstains from.

The final locked door has an actual message rather than just being locked!

The only way forward is to the president's office, which means getting past Lara one last time. She asks if the player has an appointment, and the options are a simple yes and no! No flirting!

Well, until you answer in the affirmative and begin calling her baby again.

Despite getting into the office by claiming to be Razor, Razor is already in the office. A lengthy cutscene ensues. AGAIN.

I don't know who this is, therefore I don't know what this means.

That's not all though, as Razor walks away in frustration, Jed and the walking slur show up to raise some hell of their own. I forget why I'm even here at this point. We're just trying to go find Lance and this president has nothing to do with the villain at the start. I mean, he's an asshole, but none of the heroes in this story seem like the types of people to be particularly bothered by that.

There comes a point in some ZZT games where you can tell the author is just as bored as the player is, and in the case of Stupid RPG it's right here. Though the board isn't entirely lacking in things of note, as this game did receive the "Special Edition" treatment about two months after its release with Stupid RPG: Silver Silicon Cartridge Edition!

Things return to the cutscene already in progress, not even a fight with this president. But at this point I don't want any more fights and I'm just hoping this game will be done. Knightt even teased me with a dialog option to say that I don't want to fight, which works out since saying yes to the fight loops the "Do you really want to?" prompt.

Oh, I guess the president here is actually the president from earlier. So he's the president of some company and the president of this town? I don't know, but at least the fact that the party is confronting him makes some sense now.

There's still one more cutscene here which I'm skipping entirely for everyone's benefit. In short, Razor gives Jed the passcode to exit so they can now run off and try and save Lance and Nitwit. This means that the weird gap at the bottom of the board is now a proper exit, and not a visual error.

Admittedly, the linewalls with a gap is a lot better than if there was just more sidewalk on the bottom. It's a visual indicator, just an inconsistent one.

After that 3 second reprieve of crossing the street, it's time for a new cutscene.

Quite a lot happens at once here. Lance is actually dead, but the obvious killer denies it. Fortunately, the actual killer is close by to confess, and it's Sephiroth, who shows up and pretty much just leaves immediately. He sets up the sequel, and hints at a grander adventure, just by the virtue of clearly playing the same role as Sephiroth in Final Fantasy 7, who is the guiding force of most of the game's story afters its own introduction that's confined to a single city. Hiroth is going to be the reason the player starts wandering on a world map.

But first there's still Melborp (along with Karey and Noseblood). Jed confronts Melborp, running up to him and I guess grabbing him which brings us to...

This game really sucks. It's bad. I'm just now noticing that "piece" is spelled incorrectly so that's something at least.

The two argue for another line or two, but let's be real, this is the iconic line we're looking at.

It's time for the final battle, and you know, after the slog of cutscenes, monotonous fights, and one last casual push of homophobia, I hate to momentarily 180 here and say that the battle music Masamune plays here is actually pretty good.

I don't know if it's an original composition, or just a Final Fantasy track I can't recognize due to my limited interactions with any that aren't 1, 5, or 7, but it's actually worth listening to!

Aside from that it feels no different than the first fight, just now your magic attack is Ice‼‼

It's still a damage race, but I won it on the first try. Probably because I knew I could burn as much MP as I wanted at this point.

Cut to credits. The music is a repeat of the Chocobo theme from earlier which again isn't all that exciting.

I'm a bit surprised Tseng was officially a tester here. The game feels so much like it wants to be a Tseng game that I'd have expected Tseng to be annoyed at how derivative it is. It must have had his blessing then! Additionally Knightt is laying claim to one of the most precise release dates I've seen in the ZZT community. To his credit, most ZZT sequels just never got made, while Stupid RPG: Disc Two is very much a finished product. Just one that didn't come out until halfway through December 1999.