Teen Priest

Teen Priest is one of Draco's earliest works, falling between his first game, Hollywood Hooker, and between the iconic Edible Vomit. Teen Priest sits in the middle and over the years has become almost completely forgotten. It was enough of a success back when it was released. The reviews on it are pretty positive, and at the time people were interested in a sequel, and that's where the game gets brushed aside. Teen Priest 2 was a massively important release in the ZZT community, doubling down on the original's gratuitous violence and blasphemy, sparking debates within the community over whether or not Teen Priest 2 should be banned and removed from the ZZT archive. TP2's legacy also brought on calls for creating a rating system whether one actually enforced by staff or something voluntarily included on title screens and text files.

The end result of all this was of course that Teen Priest 2 was not banned. There was no creation of a ratings system, and while a few games released afterwards would tack on their own rating or warnings of swears and red fakes, ultimately the community continued on as it had been.

Today though, I'll be looking at the game that started all this, and while it didn't incite calls for ratings and parodies insisting that using red fakes for blood made games too violent there's still plenty to find crude here.

Just fyi. It's gonna get pretty wild. Wild enough that I'd rather just put a single content warning here for a variety of what we'll be seeing instead of putting several throughout the entire article.

And I'm probably missing a few.

The title screen shows the game's protagonist, Johnny Danger in priest garb in front of a large golden cross. A little text animation on the bottom loops that the game was made by Draco and published under Chaos and Disorder.

Things begin with an introductory cutscene of a rooftop chase between Johnny Danger and a random bad guy. "Part-time cop, part-time student, and all around good guy" is all the information you need on Johnny. He's a teenage cop and he always gets his man. Also he's terrible as we'll soon discover.

The two have a brawl on the roof which is very well animated. Most fights like this in ZZT are the equivalent of slamming two action figures into each other repeatedly, but here both characters move rapidly and trade blows with the upper hand changing regularly. It looks really nice in action.

Eventually however, Johnny wins the fight, shooting the suspect multiple times and causing him to fall to his death if the bullets didn't kill him first.

I hope you like police brutality.

Teen Priest is divided up over a series of five days. Day one begins with control being given to you outside of the LAPD headquarters. The artwork here is a bit yucky, and Draco's art style hasn't really developed yet excluding his drawings of people. But the straightforward graphics never really harm the game any.

Johnny is immediately in trouble with his superior. Lt. Pansy is upset about something. Probably the extrajudicial murder.

Pansy is not happy with Johnny's actions, but reluctant to actually get rid of him. Instead, he's demoted to a new case with the threat of being fired if he can't solve it. It's basically Zootopia.

So in summary, a religious fanatic dubbed "Juda" has been murdering folks in LA. He's so religious that they suspect he may be found by just investigating mass or the confessionals. Johnny has to go undercover as a priest. A teen priest.

Johnny leaves the police department, gets back in his squad car and drives to his new assignment.

And yes, the police car is parked in plain sight during this undercover assignment for the rest of the game.

The abbey is inaccessible to Johnny who refuses to go inside until meeting with Father O'Flarrety first. Fortunately the next building over is indeed the church with its very squat cross.

The inside of the church looks about how you'd expect with rows of pews, confessionals on the sides, and a big ole cross on the wall.

The one extra wide railing due to the width of the board being even bothers me.

Johnny no!

Nevermind. The non-teen priest is pretty chill actually.

If Johnny's going to be a priest, he's got to do it right. Teen Priest's gameplay is split between doing policework and doing priestwork. Johnny receives the keys to a sweet lowrider and is pointed towards a list of work he'll be expected to do while undercover.

And it's a pretty busy day. Mass in the morning, teaching at the local high school, and confessions at night.

The room also contains a copy machine as well as this closet with the necessary clothes for going undercover. With all his supplies ready, Johnny can head over to the abbey and get some sleep for tomorrow.

But first it's important to check to the plants in case one of them happens to be a disguised wizard like in Defender of Castle Sin.

It would not be a Draco title without some drug references.

Johnny places his things in each of the drawers and can then head to bed.

At the end of every day you're treated to a score tally. It doesn't have any impact on the game itself but serves as a crude way to tell you if you missed anything. I say crude since if you don't get 100% or 90% the game just says you got an 80% regardless of how many points you have.

Day 2 starts bright and early with Johnny's sleep being interrupted by a new lead in the case.

Johnny grabs his gun (and police uniform) and heads out to meet with this informant.

I was expecting a board transition, but actually stepping outside on a board like this that was previous used solely for the interior space was a nice touch. Draco put good care into passage management to keep the game's time moving while also preventing having a bunch of passages which would essentially lead to the past.

Johnny arrives at the specified location only to find a bunch of troubled kids instead.

Johnny does not make a good first impression. There's only one way to proceed of course.

'Bring it on!!'

The gang runs in, and Johnny can enter at his leisure.

Which is a good time to call for help.

And do some investigating as well.

Not surprisingly, it was all a trick. If Johnny didn't make the backup call he will be stabbed and killed. There's not really any time to make a save here so you can't really create an unwinnable situation (unless you have very good timing and save before the text pops up).

The shack suddenly fills up with smoke as the police throw in a smoke bomb.

With the gang temporarily blinded, Johnny is able to slip out undetected.

There's still a bit more going on when Johnny tries to leave the scene. The other cops have the situation under control now at least, and Johnny can report that the informant was a bust.

Then Loco runs out of the shack where a bunch of cops begin to beat him senseless. Now Johnny's free to leave.

If you were looking forward to how Draco would handled Johnny Danger giving mass, unfortunately you're on a path to disappointment.

I love the "Not MY homies" line.

Fortunately, the high school is in the same parking lot we're currently in? You can tell it's a high school because it says such in big letters.

Get ready for some 12th grade history. Also get ready for a lot of text.

Johnny quickly takes control of the classroom by throwing somebody through a window.

The dad jokes are real. The homie goes into a fit of rage and chases Johnny around the classroom.

After exchanging a few blows the homie is disarmed and stops attacking.

But then another comes to the first's aid. Our hero, the undercover cop currently disguised as a priest holds an ice pick to the other thug's throat and tells him how his parents obviously give no fucks about them.

There's no time for a third attack, since the bell rings shortly afterwards.

The students rush out leaving Johnny alone to explore the empty classroom. There's only one object of interest there in the corner...

It's a lot of important documents about Father O'Flarrety. Perhaps there's more to him than we've been led to believe.

A considerable amount of time passes upon leaving the school, and it means that it's time for probably the most iconic scenes of Teen Priest: confession.