welcome to hell

The people have blessed me with another Tseng game. You know I can't get enough of this guy. He is, to me, the perfect example of what ZZT in the late 90s was like. ZZTers had long since come to demand more from their games than lions and tigers with a few slider puzzles. Purple keys are a faux pas. Built-ins are for newbies who don't know how to program.

Tseng's games demonstrate what the people wanted. The cast doesn't take things seriously, but they're extremely powerful and capable of getting what they want. In a Tseng game, you get to kick ass, and you get to do so via number of engines. RPG battles, car chases, and punching dudes on the street. You are in control in a Tseng game. All the while you get a shared universe of characters who move from game to game, ever-shifting in role. The protagonist of one game is nothing more than a cameo in the next. Yet the constant repetition means players can always keep an eye out for their favorites, and those classic catchphrases that show up every dang time. What more could a bunch of teen-aged boys want?

There are cut-scenes to guide the story with gameplay in between. Worlds are sprawling and open for exploration. A good ZZT game needed to feel bigger than it really was, and the machismo of everyone meant no end of potential conflicts to lead to adventure after adventure. These games know that they're not what you'd be getting from mainstream gaming at the time, but they had the same level of confidence as one. Each new game was to be bigger and better than the last, and keep an eye out for the sequel! Coming March 2000. (Hopefully.)

And that was pretty much Tseng's M.O. during his stint in the community. But today's subject, welcome to hell lets us see what happens when instead of adventure, players are subjected to a movie, putting Tseng's storytelling skills on the spot as they take full focus here. welcome to hell is a cinema first and foremost, telling the tale of yet another new character and her first (depicted) mission with the Boys In Blue that Tseng fans were all too familiar with. Could Tseng captivate players without letting them shoot their problems? Could his story hold up to any scrutiny? Will any of it matter?

The answers: Kind of. Not really. And lord no it won't.

Before we can even begin though, Tseng begins with a gorgeous title screen animation! This is legit one of the nicest I've ever seen. It's some real impressive stuff that I wish the rest of the game could match in terms of quality.

welcome to hell is a cinema-first game, that Tseng makes far too many apologies for. There were plenty of ZZT games out there setting the precedent that a ZZT game can be 90% of more watching animations and reading text, with worlds like kev-san's rock opera Freedom winning community awards and Koopo's trilogy Darkness Falls being cited by Tseng as the game's primary inspiration.

Despite being a game where players have volunteered to let Tseng tell them a story, the main menu still has a separate "stuff" entry on its menu where the story truly begins. Skipping it will immediately lead to confusion, so already I don't understand why it was set aside instead of just being a board unto itself.

November Eve ended with a lot of Tseng's repertoire out of commission. A new character, "Miss Torie", is introduced. Due to Boys In Blue (the cops but if the cops were cool) member Poiuy being injured, she's invited to temporarily take his place on this upcoming mission to prevent an alien attack on Da Hood, with a promise of a promotion if she does well.

If you were to skip this, you'd have no idea who Torie is or why she's here. Even the mainstay characters of the game are wondering who this lady is, so the player has no hope.

The cinema is split up into five acts, with this shot of Torie from the back serving as the first icon. Good on Tseng for trying out some new angles with his art which is often very rigid and cookie-cutter looking with most characters having very similar poses and proportions.

And when I say cookie-cutter, well, I kind of forgot that she's the girl seen in the game's menu. She looks a lot like Kim if you can believe it.

Our feature presentation starts us off with an overview of the Da Hoodian system. Tseng's games frequently feature planet hopping, with most being set on the Earth-like planet Da Hood in the lower right. The other planets, are harder to identify. For this story, the only one that matters is that tiny speck of purple known as Geriatria, home of the Geriatrics.

This is not a planet of the elderly. It's home to a bunch of frightening purple creatures that seek to destroy Da Hood. This story brings players along for the ride of their latest attempt at the planet's destruction.

It's nothing more than an Us vs. Them scenario. The Geriatrics are simply evil, serving as a helpful justification to disrupt the peace of one game's ending and kick of the start of the next. In this instance, we're following up on the Xamboxumbadria crisis of November Eve, and building up to the events of Tseng's next release, Gem Hunter 3. Although this game gives it a more interesting title of Gem Hunter Sin.

Torie has decided to accept the offer, wandering down a dangerous street to meet with the team she's signing up for. Naturally, the first person to make the mistake of talking to her gets thrown into a pile of garbage via Torie's psychic powers.

This immediately defines her as an important character in a Tseng game. Immediately getting violent and suffering no consequences is the defining trait of a Tseng character. As always, these games are ones where the protagonist gets to do what they want, and anybody who doesn't like it has to tremble in fear at their presence.

Of course, this man in the alley is no random creep. He's Nacut, one of the more forgettable and interchangeable characters of Da Hood. At this point I have played both November Eve games, as well as the entire Gem Hunter trilogy, and the only thing I could tell you about Nacut is that there's a guy named Nacut sometimes.

The other members include Qwerty, who wanted them to meet somewhere out in the open where his injured partner Poiuy couldn't complain about his "replacement", alongside Reno the "electronics expert and all-around sex machine", and Anita Blue, "the electronics expert [...] who isn't a pervert". It's quite the crew.

The Boys In Blue so frequently travel as a group in these games that they are perhaps the hardest characters to tell apart from one another. Anita has some seniority, having appeared in Bloodrush, a Tseng game that predates both his primary alias in the ZZT community as well as Da Hood itself.

She's also known for her psychic powers, something Torie also has making the two an unusual pair. Torie's abilities will be covered more later, but Anita's existence makes Torie kind of a strange addition to the cast.

One thing Tseng definitely excels at are cheap gags like this. welcome to hell keeps Tseng's classic meta-humor where attention is drawn to the way ZZT often gets in the way of telling stories. A board transition is needed so a lampshade is hanged on it.

What's nice about this game is that the game is usually able to do this without dragging Tseng's own name in the mud. No more "Tseng's plotholes!" or "Tseng is lazy!" jokes here that make it a lot harder to take the game seriously when we're constantly being told the game is bad and not worth your time.

But the board transition is for good reason!

Reno has a snazzy new holo-watch allowing us to get a visual aid while the new crisis is explained. The black background hints that something is going to appear in it, but it's worth it. It's a pleasant surprise that continues to depict new additions to its scene as the plot unfolds.

A battle cruiser appears and gets a helpful circle drawn around it. Today's drama is an approaching Geriatric ship armed with a Planet Buster cannon. Due to the mafia's forces (that's the planet's military. Don't ask. Tseng won't answer.) being severely depleted during last week's crisis (November Eve) the Geriatrics are using the planet's momentary vulnerability to launch an attack.

Torie is on board and eager to get into the action. The plan goes unstated, but it's exactly what it needs to be for a game like this. The gang is gonna fly into space, board the enemy ship, plant some bombs, and go home. Sounds like a solid premise for an action title. Opting to be upfront that the player is going to have next to no opportunities to participate is a tougher sell.

This is very unique shot. Many a ZZTer has created the illusion of a moving vehicle by having a pattern of two colors of alternating invisible walls that each take turns turning into a visible yellow dotted line allowing the road to appear as if it was scrolling across the screen. I don't think I've ever seen anyone do so from the perspective of the backseat of the car.

Reno and Qwerty are pleased with what they've seen of Torie so far, but to get the plan underway a few things need to be done first. For one, Torie doesn't have a gun, and while Qwerty points out that she clearly doesn't need one with her ability to toss Nacut around with her mind, I think you're legally required to be carrying if you're a main character in a Tseng game. Maybe you can get away with a big sword, but even a psychic has to have something.

The other snag is how to get to space. I wouldn't have thought this to be a problem, as space travel in this universe is at the very least common enough that there's a space port in the same city the Boys in Blue are headquartered in. If the Geriatrics are capable of sending ships to Da Hood, then Da Hood better be just as capable of responding.

But perhaps due to budget cuts, or not wanting to ask the mafia for a favor, their options are limited. Gem Hunter has his own ship and is the obvious choice, but he's off doing his own thing in space right now, so the only person to turn to is Quitter, a drunk who neither of the duo actually wants to be their pilot.

With Nacut I at least recognized the name. I had to go digging to find out who the hell Quitter is. And I have not come up with a good answer. Quitter shows up in three of Tseng's earlier games. In each found appearance he gets a bit part at best. Speaking only a sentence or two, often in the presence of cast members Tseng seems more fond of. A few of his appearances are in bars, which I guess is what makes him a drunk, though he seems pretty collected every time he shows up.

The bloated cast of these games is really such a detriment to them. Tseng always assumes players know who these people are, but even if you've played a bunch of his work, there are just so many characters often in small roles that I can't keep track. And for those jumping in to any of his games are their first foray into Da Hood, no effort is made to bring them up to speed. At least when you see Gem Hunter 2 you can tell you're getting a sequel. With titles like welcome to hell, people just discovering ZZT may jump in with no context at all.

There's one final scene before boarding Quitter's ship and getting the mission underway. The team is relieved to find that Quitter is currently sober, though Torie is apparently more familiar with him and informs everyone that while it's his ship, it's his crew that operates it. Quitter can drink as much as he likes and nobody will be put in danger for it! Everyone is very thankful and also annoyed that they've needlessly avoided his services all this time.

That's really all there is to this scene, which seems to be set in a public waiting area for space travel because space travel is commonplace here!!

Quitter and Nacut finish their conversation, but before boarding Quitter points out that the game can't be too cinema heavy, and he knows just the way to add some gameplay:

With a quick game of Hood Ball! The hot new sport that Tseng definitely made up on the spot to shoehorn player interaction into the game.

Folks, Hood Ball sucks.

Tseng incorporates several little engines to provide player interaction throughout the game. Hood Ball is the only one rude enough to show up twice. All the other mini-games are far more enjoyable, creative, and are actually relevant to the events unfolding (save for choosing to play as Qwerty rather than Torie in one of them.) Hood Ball is a stupid diversion from the rest of the game that I suspect is Tseng trying to deflect the common "It's all cut-scenes" criticism of his previous release November Eve.

But this is forced so awkwardly into the game that I find it far more off-putting.

No instructions are provided as to the rules of this game or how players are intended to control it. Not the most new-player friendly way of doing it, but any experienced ZZTer can suss out 90% of how it works just by looking at it, and confirming the particulars within a few seconds of starting.

A referee launches a ball from the center of the arena towards a player. This ball is a bullet that you then position Torie to intercept in order to catch it. Once the ball is caught, you can then shoot the ball forward at your opponent and try to get it past them into the goal for a point. First to five goals wins.

Unlike a ZZT take on Pong or the ZZT game Sombrero, the ball isn't thrown immediately after catching it. You can hold onto it as long as you like. You'll notice a 3 minute timer counting down as well, and I just had to know what would happen if you scored a goal and then just stood there with the ball until time was up. This sport does not seem particularly well thought out.

The answer: Nothing happens.

Despite the timer's prominence, it's all for show. There's no actual time limit here, and no alternate victory conditions. The game will not end until somebody gets enough points. It's pretty darn easy to win as your opponent moves randomly.

Tseng changes things up a little bit to make the game more than a simple Pong clone. The middle of the court has a zig-zag pattern of invisible objects that shoot in semi-random directions when the ball hits them. In theory, this should make the game more difficult. A ball coming in from the top can come out past half-court in any number of positions. Yet it hardly matters as after that half-court shuffling, the ball will travel in a long straight line with more than enough time to get into the correct position to catch the ball. You'd really have to be trying to miss it.

A more traditional ZZT Pong engine opts for an object for the ball and faux-diagonal movement to at least let it bounce around at an angle. You have to track the ball in motion to determine where to position yourself. In Hood Ball, you identify where you need to be just past half-court and then wait patiently to catch the ball on its fixed trajectory.

Oh, and I can't forget to mention that the random directional changes the ball makes can cause it to just turn around in mid-air requiring you to catch your own throw! It's very silly. Even something as surprising as this still leaves you with enough time to react and make the catch. Losing at Hood Ball would be a challenge even if you tried. It'll make you appreciate the cut-scenes I suppose.

On the ship Torie takes a moment to watch the stars going past, and Reno uses it as an opportunity to get to know her. This scene provides us with Torie's background, how she once worked for the mafia as a computer hacker, but joined the Boys In Blue as an assistant to A-list Tseng character Tyrone. When he left, she was promoted to a proper position. In fact, Tseng reassures us, she was with the BiB since its inception, longer than many other mainstays of Da Hood.

It does provide more justification for her presence than most of Tseng's characters get. I can tell you more about Torie's history than most of Tseng's cast. She's definitely above Quitter and Nacut at least.

The conversation is cut short by Qwerty interrupting with bad news. Geriatrics have boarded the ship and already killed a number of crew members. Reno heads to the bridge to ensure that it remains uncompromised, while Qwerty and Torie get to form a hunting party leading the player into the game's second act.

An unexpected hole in the ship gets their attention and a very short scene plays out of them deciding to jump in and see where it leads, only to arrive right next to a Geriatric.

Any tension is thrown out the window as the blood-thirsty monster from space is convinced that instead of fighting, what if they instead played an honest game of Hood Ball?

This incredibly stupid plan works. The conditions are that the loser dies. Torie's psychic powers remain unused.

I cannot think of a less interesting way the game could have gone than for more Hood Ball. I do not need this.

Afterwards a ship scan is finished, with the duo receiving the bad news that there are still a dozen Geriatrics to deal with. Qwerty and Torie split up, further diminishing the idea that these creatures are nigh-unstoppable killing machines.

This leads into the first non-Hood Ball gameplay of welcome to hell, which is very much appreciated. It's also the only time players are given a choice in what happens next. You can choose whether to follow Torie or Qwerty and see what they encounter as they explore on their own.

Picking Torie is recommended, as it allows you to actually have fun.

This is another instance where Tseng just drops a set of alternate controls on the player with zero instructions. I know this game was going to be played by folks who were almost certainly all ZZTers very familiar with basic player clone techniques, but it feels jarring for an author to not even provide so much as a "Choose a character".

Torie gets a unique engine where players finally get to use her psychic powers. These are implemented as short-range energy blasts that fry any Geriatrics that are hit. It's pretty novel! Tseng credits Koopo for the idea, so I suspect this design isn't pure innovation from Tseng. A cursory search of some of Koopo's many engines didn't turn up anything that used this method of attacking, but I wouldn't put it past me missing something as he's got quite a number of them in compilations which rarely come with instructions.

The attack is done by placing a bunch of boulders down in a single cycle, then changing them to solids and fading them out. During the fade, everything on the board is asked to check if it's being blocked by something, and if so, be hit by the blast. This has an obvious flaw where objects that just happen to be next to any wall at the time will cause a false positive, destroying themselves while well out of reach.

So it's not exactly an engine you'd want to base an entire game around. One could get away with it by just ensuring the board layout is free of obstacles within its borders, and that the enemies are placed reasonably far from the walls. Both reduce the chances of encountering the bug, though even this isn't perfect as the enemies still have to shoot to attack and there's always a chance they'll be next to a bullet they just fired when the check goes off.

For some reason, Tseng didn't place his enemies by the walls. Torie is also positioned so far from them that simply testing what happens when you shoot may lead to a false positive.

Kayfabe is again king as well. Just as Hood Ball's timer didn't matter, the ammo limit is fake, and you're permitted to attack as often as you please. Though it is possible to die if you somehow take too much damage.

In spite of all those issues. It's all just the usual ZZT-jank that ZZTers were hardened to in this era. The novelty of having a weapon that isn't bullets in the form of this psywave attack makes it a fun minute or two even if you accidentally land some hits you shouldn't along the way. An entire game made like this would expose the flaws too often, but for a single board, this is a lot of fun.

Now Qwerty's battle is a lot worse.

First off. We were told there were 12 Geriatrics here. If Torie got four, Qwerty should get eight. Instead he gets one. One very very big one.

This is more reminiscent of the boss fights in November Eve. One smiley face versus a big monstrosity. In November Eve, you had to wait for a meter to fill to be able to open up a menu and choose to attack, which was done automatically. Here, Qwerty gets the same psychic attack Torie has. Why isn't this a gun fight?

Players are expected to find the enemy's weak point while dodging barrages of bullets fired from their claws and fangs. There are a lot of places you can stand and be safe, but it's pretty unnecessary to bother looking for them.

Because as it turn out, your starting position is a safe spot! The weak point is the creature's mouth! You can just shoot north as soon as you enter the board and repeat until you win!

Granted, it's not supposed to be quite like this. The mouth will begin to shoot back after it's hit the first time. I assume so that players don't start in the middle on an unblockable mass of bullets, but the cooldown between inflicting damage and the bullets beginning to fire leaves plenty of time to shoot again.

Both fights also feature a bug where the characters don't check for free space before firing a psywave. If you get too close to an enemy, you can erase them entirely, preventing them from ever sending a message to the object that tracks when enough foes have been defeating and preventing you from winning.